Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Senator Roland Burris

Legend has it that conquering Roman generals, in their homecoming parades celebrating their victories, would be accompanied on their chariots by a slave whose only function was to whisper in the general’s ear, “Remember all glory is fleeting.”

This brings us directly to the new junior Senator from Illinois, Roland Burris. Say what else you will, this worthy is clearly a man of foresight, and of no mind to consider the transience of fame. The ethically-challenged Gov. Blagojevich’s appointment to fill Obama’s seat in the U.S. Senate, Mr. Burris has already had completed most of the work on his tombstone which will eternally grace Oak Woods Cemetery on Chicago’s South Side. Save for his entombment, of course, and some final memorializing.

Actually, “tombstone” rather under-describes this bold edifice; “momument” seems more appropriate. And like most monuments, this one comes complete, even at this premature date, with inscriptions, testimony to the greatness of its future inhabitant.

Among whose signal achievements, helpfully listed under the heading “Trail Blazer, First African-American To Become:” are Illinois State Comptroller and Illinois Attorney General. So far, so good. But Roland would also have it known that his accomplishments further include being the first African-American son of the Land of Lincoln to be “S.I.U. Exchange Student to University of Hamburg 1959-60.” One imagines his frustration at having been just barely nosed out by another who scored as first exchange student to the University of Paris.

Not content with this list of “firsts,” Mr. Burris cleverly found space on another panel of this shrine for such “Other Major Accomplishments” as “Board of Directors, Illinois C.P.A. Society (First Non-C.P.A. Member) 2000.” This last is of some curiosity – as would be the American Medical Association being led by someone other than a doctor.

But leave such churlish thoughts aside. What’s more interesting about this monument to ego are the, albeit understandable, omissions. It might have been enlightening to future generations to read, for example, that Mr. Burris’s firsts also include not one or two, but fully three unsuccessful runs for the Governorship of Illinois, including in 2002 against one Rod Blagojevich. Or perhaps that as Attorney General, Mr. Burris ignored a request from his Assistant Attorney General to re-open the case of a convicted murderer, who was subsequently exonerated by Governor Ryan on the basis of exculpatory evidence.

Well, in his defense, it must be said that with the departure from the “world’s most exclusive club” of such exemplars of probity as Ted Stevens and Larry Craig, there is an evident need for replacement members at the shallow end of the Senate’s talent pool. As another Senator once said about a (subsequently rejected) candidate for the U.S. Supreme Court accused of being a mediocre judge: “Even if he were mediocre, there are a lot of mediocre judges and people and lawyers. They are entitled to a little representation, aren’t they?“ Indeed. Welcome, Senator Burris.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

He Did It His Way

In an only maybe unintentional reference to President Bush’s dyslexic-like difficulties with the English language, the New York Times headlined their article about his last press conference “Mistakes, I’ve Made a Few Bush Tells Reporters.” Or perhaps the writer was channeling Frank Sinatra. Either way, it comes as scant solace to learn that The Decider has finally decided that, yes, there might actually have been a thing or two in the past eight years that could have been better handled or enjoyed more positive outcomes.

“Mission Accomplished” for example. That stunningly premature assessment was given, let us recall, nearly six years ago, since when the majority of Iraqis living in their capital city have been without respite dealing with such minor annoyances as no electricity, no running water, and no certainty that their next shopping foray won’t result in an involuntary hospital visit.

Hurricane Katrina, you mention? “I thought long and hard about (it),” he said, leaving aside any suggestion that perhaps his thinking was, at the extreme of charity, insufficient to the task.

“Regrets, I’ve had a few?” Well, he did admit that “Not finding weapons of mass destruction was a significant disappointment.” And even more, that the grotesqueries perpetrated by U.S. military forces at Abu Graib were “a huge disappointment.” This surely retires the trophy for unadulterated, monumental gall. We are to accept that remorse for the result expunges the responsibility for bringing it about. This flawed logic is, of course, familiar to any eight-year old who blames the cookie jar for its fatal plunge to earth. In the instant case, the fevered efforts by Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, et al to concoct a rationale for an invasion already green-lighted or the wholesale mangling of the law and human decency are consigned to Orwell’s memory hole.

As the historian George Santayana famously observed, “Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” But the very capability to learn something from anything, or anyone, necessarily presumes sufficient humility to accept not having total command oneself of everything known and knowable.

We have every right – even a defensible need – to expect our President to have a healthy level of self-confidence. When it gives way to self-delusion, it’s past time to back the moving trucks up to the White House.

So long, George.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Keeping Score

It seems fatuous – presumptuous, even – to add any words to the deluge already occasioned by the election results. But perhaps a bit like wanting to linger a moment more to appreciate a particular scene, or fix it more firmly in memory, it seems worth the effort, however inconsequential.

At some rarely plunged level, I think we’ve seen a too-rare triumph of hope over fear. No one can say with any certainty what will come of the new political ordering. The tallying of the damage done in the past eight years alone will be a massive undertaking. What does seem certain, though, if just for this one brief to-be-savored instant, is that acknowledgment of the sheer overwhelming, pervasive wrongness of our past course has at last been sufficient to prompt a widespread, active consideration of meaningful remediation.

The ancestry of the President-elect and his wildly improbable life story by themselves suggest the country is making progress — however fitful and painfully languid -- in overcoming its tragic history of racial prejudice. Stripped of any political or future policy implications, this in itself is ample cause for celebration outlasting last nights revels – both those planned and those gratifyingly spontaneous.

Perhaps it’s a peculiarly human trait to remember our surroundings at moments deemed nationally historic -- political assassinations, the Columbia and Challenger disasters, 9/11. It feeds the cynic’s soul that so often these occasions are the stuff of tragedy rather than triumph.

But this time, the hope that ultimately sustains us has cast a beam in the darkness. Remember yesterday. It may turn out that something greatly good and lasting began. Score one for the better angels.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Say It Ain't So

No, not because of the possibility that the gezillion polls all showing Obama walking away with the election will all turn out to have been terribly wrong and we’ll wake up November 5th (or January 27th, depending on Florida) to discover that McCain and the Moose Mistress are headed for Washington.

What’s truly worrisome is that Samuel J. Werzelbacher has engaged Pathfinder Management of Nashville to be one of his – are you ready? – three music industry representatives. This despite the cautious observation by the President of Pathfinder that while his new client “can carry a tune, we’re not calling him anything until we get him into a studio.” Now, hands up if you see where this is going. OK, all hands down. The moniker prospectively in question is not, as those less informed might guess, anything cute, topical, or intended to poke a finger in the eye of polite society. We speak rather of the most recent piece of flotsam cast up on the public beach by the churning political oceans, a worthy to be known for the remainder of his over-extended fifteen minutes as Joe the Plumber.

You can’t make this stuff up. Joe (let’s concede this a far better option that using his actual first name) the Plumber has hired not one, but three agents to guide him through the maze of his newfound celebrity status. And if events should conspire to line his pockets with some of the $250,00 he famously told Obama he needed to buy the company employing him, well, is this a great country or what?

Here’s Jim Della Croce, President of Pathfinder, waxing lyric on Joe’s talents: “Joe the Plumber is fast becoming a brand. He is a dynamic speaker and an everyman who has become an overnight celebrity.” And prospects? “It wouldn’t be far afield to have Joe be the spokesperson for Home Depot, representing the shoulder-to-the-wheel working stiff.”

Leave aside the lamentable condescension Jim evidently feels towards his new protégé and let us ruminate for a moment on the glittering options now within Joe’s reach. Spokesperson for Home Depot? Small change. Why not the endorser of his own line of plumbing tools? Or, recognizing his apparent ability to keep the IRS at bay, why not open a network of storefronts pedaling tax advice? Maybe he could even run for Vice President. On the evidence available, his talents and qualifications put him somewhere between the two current contenders.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

This Just In

In a stunning development, the French government strongly condemned the U.S. Special Forces attack on a small farm in Rocquefort. U.S officials countered that immediate action had been necessary to prevent the shipment of “moldy” cheese to the U.S., and said the strike was clearly within the limits of the Bush doctrine of pre-emptive retaliation.

Efforts to reach a political settlement in Iraq stalled over the inability of the government there to find a room sufficiently large to accommodate the members from all the parties, sects, regions involved. A proposal to hold the meeting outdoors was quashed when the U.S. said it couldn’t provide assurances of safety and Blackwater refused the assignment unless it was paid in advance.

As Election Day approaches, both parties are recruiting armies of lawyers to monitor polling places for potential fraud, malfeasance, and littering. Turnout is expected to be unusually heavy, with long lines as voters are forced to navigate their way through armies of lawyers.

The U.S. Government is continuing its efforts to find countries willing to accept some of the Guantanamo prisoners. Administration officials expressed regret that to date no country has offered to accept these individuals who, according to the Government, are too dangerous to be released within the United States.

Senator Ted Stevens vowed to continue “serving the voters of Alaska,” expressing confidence that incarceration would in no way hinder his abilities to do so and that in any event, he will have completed his expected sentence prior to his next election bid in 2014.

In several campaign speeches, Senator McCain chided the press for continuing to focus on the now universally discounted links between Obama and William Ayers instead of more serious issues . Asked why he felt compelled to keep bringing the subject up, McCain replied, “If I don’t, who’s going to pay any attention?”

It was disclosed that the highest paid staffer in Governor Palin’s entourage in the first half of October was her makeup consultant. Speaking on condition of anonymity, an aide said the title had originally gone to her foreign affairs advisor, but had been withdrawn when the un-named individual left the campaign to resume third grade.

The global credit crisis has severely impacted housing prices in all countries excepting Uruguay, whose lack of an extradition treaty with the U.S. makes it a popular relocation destination for former banking officials.

In other financial news, officials in Washington scrambled to find a way to provide General Motors with the $5-10 billion it is expected to need to continue operations as it pursues a merger with Tonka Toys.

Good night, and good luck.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Saturday Night Live Every Night

Asked for her thoughts on the $700 billion financial rescue proposal, Ms. Palin responded, “But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health-care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy helping the – oh, it’s got to be all about job creation, too, shoring up our economy and putting it back on the right track. So health-care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions and tax relief for Americans. And trade, we’ve got to see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive, um, scary thing. But one in five jobs being created in the trade sector today, we’ve got to look at that as more opportunity. All those things under the umbrella of job creation. This bailout is part of that.”

I’m not making this up. Or even playing back the transcript of last week’s hilarious Saturday Night Live, whose writers must be daily on their knees giving thanks to the gods of comedy for delivering such a bountiful gift. Nothing doing. This is the real, unvarnished stuff, straight from the mouth of the would-be next but-one-heartbeat-away President.

Careful examination of this partial peroration reveals no less than six major issues all desperate for serious attention. And that’s counting tax reduction and tax relief as the same thing, which they aren’t necessarily.

Poor Sarah. Plucked up from relative obscurity governing a state with the population of a mid-sized lower 48 city, she’s parachuted into the maelstrom of the Presidential campaign and she hasn’t a clue. Coached by consultants, experts, minders, aides, and other hangers-on, she responds to reasonable one-topic questions with the whole laundry list of popular concerns in the hope that at least one will be taken as having some remote bearing on the matter at hand. If the question is of a more personal nature – her getting her first passport two years ago, for instance – the answer is simultaneously aimed at eliciting sympathy and stoking the fires of the culture wars. Hence: ” I'm not one of those who maybe came from a background of, you know, kids who perhaps graduate college and their parents give them a passport and give them a backpack and say go off and travel the world.”

But appallingly enough, this kind of gibberish is currently pervasive in what pretends to pass for political discourse. Shortly after the $700 billion bill of which Ms. Palin spoke so eloquently was defeated in the House and the stock market promptly cratered, Representative Virginia Foxx exalted, “The market may be down, but the Constitution is up!” No doubt shares in the document, were they available, would have soared on this endorsement. And one of Rep. Foxx’s compatriots, the logic-challenged Rep. Paul Ryan explained his vote in favor thus: “This bill offends my principles, but I’m going to vote for this bill to preserve my principles.”

Well said. Now try “Live from New York. . .”

Friday, September 5, 2008

What They Want To Hear

A Professor of Government I had in college once chided the class for what he described as our unrealistically idealistic view of American politics. This sage, one improbably named Reginald Bartholomew, proposed that the fundamental interest of any politician is to gain, and then hold office. Since the normal means (Florida excluded) to that end is winning the most votes, the politician will be unerringly guided by the majority will of the people, and therefore whatever he or she does, however dubious its apparent wisdom, is actually what most people want. And therefore the right course of action. QED.

This dusty memory was brought to mind by McCain’s remarkable selection of Governor Palin as his running mate. In the aftermath, it emerges that up until close to the last minute, McCain’s preference for a #2 was Joe Lieberman, he of dubious and somewhat confused party loyalties. Reportedly fearful that some of Lieberman’s more reasonable positions would so infuriate the Far Right that they would, instead of the Republican ticket, vote for Ron Paul, Ronald Reagan or Genghis Khan, McCain dropped Joe like a hot rock and offered the job to the Alaskan governor. Since then, of course, at least some of McCain’s fondest wishes have become realities as Obama, the press, and some of the rest of us struggle to find some non-misogynistic way of suggesting the good governor is perhaps not the most qualified person for the job.

Meanwhile, the Republican base is energized, and McCain has at least for the nonce pulled even with Obama in national polls. As Reggie might have said, “What’s wrong with that?”

Here’s what. (And why, perhaps, he saw fit to award me only a C+ in his course.) What McCain’s choice clearly tells us is that he is as cynical, as triangulating as any of the Senatorial colleagues he has recently come to hold in such low regard. McCain, or perhaps his advisors evidently concluded that running against change is a losing proposition – hardly surprising in view of the ruinous results of the serial calamities brought us by the current administration – and that for the faithful, Governor Palin is change personified. As Rick David, McCain’s campaign manager revealingly said, “This election is not about issues. This election is about a composite view of what people take away from these candidates.” Mangled syntax aside, this about says it all. It’s not the economy or any other damned thing. It’s the composite view, stupid. Change is now at the top of the needs pyramid and that McCain will deliver it in copious amounts is evidently the core of the new and improved McCain strategy. If enough people buy into this dazzling flimflam, it just might get him elected. Which will be OK because it will reflect the desires of the people for, altogether now, change.

But change, in and of itself, is a journey without a destination. We know where we are, and it ain’t so great. We know change, somehow or other, will be required to get us somewhere else. Identifying that place, and outlining with some exactitude what will be required for us to get there would seem the least we should ask of our would-be next Presidents. It’s called leadership. I think even Reggie might agree.


(Full disclosure: I am, and have been through numerous relocations, a registered Republican. My threadbare rationale for this apparent denial of logic is a desire to help move the party towards the center of the political spectrum and reduce its emphasis on the so-called cultural “wedge” issues. In this, I’m clearly demonstrating the form of insanity Einstein once described as doing the same thing repeatedly, each time hoping for a different result.)