The Candidates. Debate?

Good evening, and welcome to the 1,537th debate between the two contenders for the Democratic Presidential nomination. The first question will go to the candidate selected by a mysterious process involving massively random number generators, the karbala, and the flip of a 2007 penny. Senator Clinton:

You’ve noted on several occasions the value of the experience you gained as the result of your husband’s occupancy of the White House. I’d like to get a little more specific about that. Is it accurate to say that you, among other duties, were ceremonially in charge of the Easter egg roll each year?

Well, yes, but I don’t quite see. . .

Thank you. Next question for Senator Obama. Senator, is it true that on a particular day in 1973, you were walking down the exact same street at the same time as an individual since convicted of violating Chicago leash laws?

I don’t remember exactly, but I suppose. . .

I think we’ll have to leave it there, Senator. Senator Clinton, I’d like to ask you to outline your position on apple pie.

I’d be glad to. To me, apple pie, along with God and Motherhood, are what make this country great. You’ll note I said “Motherhood,” an area where I think I have expertise far beyond that of my opponent. Now, I have a detailed plan to increase the distribution of apple pie to as many citizens as possible, beginning within 60 days of my taking office. In fact. . .

A quick follow-up to that, Senator. What about people who prefer peach pie?

That’s a really excellent question, and I’m happy to answer it. Diversity of choice is extremely important to me, as I’m sure it is to every citizen. My plan would have numerous, built-in protections to guarantee that people could have . . .

Thank you, Senator. Senator Obama, could you share with us your position on whether Pluto is actually a planet or an asteroid?

Well, I’ve given this matter a great deal of thought. And it seems to me that “planet” and “asteroid” are inherently limiting concepts, and that what we need is a fundamental change in the way we look at this problem. And so within the first 30 days of my administration. . .

Thank you, Senator. Next question is for you, Senator Clinton, and please pardon my getting just a little bit personal here. I couldn’t help but notice that you’re wearing a medium grey suit tonight. Is that a sign of your reluctance to take a black or white position?

You know, I think the issue of race is one of the most difficult we have to deal with. But more importantly. . .

Same question for you, Senator Obama, although to be fair your suit seems to be dark blue.

Yes it is, and it’s actually close to the same color as one worn by an individual who I’ve respected all my life. He. . .

I’m sorry, Senator, we’re about out of time. To close, we’ll let each of you address one of the topics from the following list: the war in Iraq, the cost of healthcare, rising unemployment, the housing market, global warming, or . . . I’m sorry, just a minute. . .Well, it seems that’s all we have time for. Thank you for watching and we hope this evening’s debate has been useful.