This Just In

Michael Jackson’s estate is now estimated to be worth at least $500 million. Unfortunately for the individuals claiming to be the biological parents of one or more of his children, this works out to an average of $74.32 each.

Republicans continued their opposition to provision for so-called “death panels” as part of health care reform. A spokesman for the Republican National Committee said, “True Republicans have consistently shown their ability to pursue end-of-life with no outside assistance.”

Birthers continued to argue that the absence of a birth certificate suggests Barack Obama was born outside the U.S. and therefore not legally qualified to be President. Their argument is weakened somewhat by suspicions that many of them were themselves born on another planet.

The government’s Cash for Clunkers program came to an end, having taken nearly 700,000 low mileage vehicles off the road. The program’s success prompted some to suggest trading in their old ineffective Congressional representatives for newer, more responsive models.

Protesters at a town hall meeting in Iowa denounced the intrusion of government into their lives. The demonstration came to an end only when several had to leave to cash their social security and medicare checks.

Dick Cheney is becoming increasing vocal in denouncing former President Bush. His complaints seem to center on Bush’s inability to sit still on Cheney’s lap while Cheney was talking for him.

A loaded .38 pistol turned up in the collection plate of a church in Texas. The gun’s owner said he misunderstood when the Minister invited congregants to “Pass the Peace.”

Michael Vick, having completed his sentence for organizing dogfights, signed as a quarterback with the Philadelphia Eagles. This caused some confusion among the coaching staff as all “red dog” references in the Eagles’ playbooks had to be eliminated.

Tom DeLay, the former Speaker of the House who resigned in disgrace in a campaign funding scandal has signed to appear on “Dancing With the Stars.” Reportedly, his first performance will be doing either the K Street Lobbyist Shuffle or the Washington Flimflam.

Congressional action on health care came to an abrupt halt with the announcement that a key element – the Federal Coordination Council for Comparative Effectiveness – had a name that was incomprehensible and caused anyone reading or speaking it to fall into a deep sleep.

Good night, and good luck.