This Just In

In a stunning development, the French government strongly condemned the U.S. Special Forces attack on a small farm in Rocquefort. U.S officials countered that immediate action had been necessary to prevent the shipment of “moldy” cheese to the U.S., and said the strike was clearly within the limits of the Bush doctrine of pre-emptive retaliation.

Efforts to reach a political settlement in Iraq stalled over the inability of the government there to find a room sufficiently large to accommodate the members from all the parties, sects, regions involved. A proposal to hold the meeting outdoors was quashed when the U.S. said it couldn’t provide assurances of safety and Blackwater refused the assignment unless it was paid in advance.

As Election Day approaches, both parties are recruiting armies of lawyers to monitor polling places for potential fraud, malfeasance, and littering. Turnout is expected to be unusually heavy, with long lines as voters are forced to navigate their way through armies of lawyers.

The U.S. Government is continuing its efforts to find countries willing to accept some of the Guantanamo prisoners. Administration officials expressed regret that to date no country has offered to accept these individuals who, according to the Government, are too dangerous to be released within the United States.

Senator Ted Stevens vowed to continue “serving the voters of Alaska,” expressing confidence that incarceration would in no way hinder his abilities to do so and that in any event, he will have completed his expected sentence prior to his next election bid in 2014.

In several campaign speeches, Senator McCain chided the press for continuing to focus on the now universally discounted links between Obama and William Ayers instead of more serious issues . Asked why he felt compelled to keep bringing the subject up, McCain replied, “If I don’t, who’s going to pay any attention?”

It was disclosed that the highest paid staffer in Governor Palin’s entourage in the first half of October was her makeup consultant. Speaking on condition of anonymity, an aide said the title had originally gone to her foreign affairs advisor, but had been withdrawn when the un-named individual left the campaign to resume third grade.

The global credit crisis has severely impacted housing prices in all countries excepting Uruguay, whose lack of an extradition treaty with the U.S. makes it a popular relocation destination for former banking officials.

In other financial news, officials in Washington scrambled to find a way to provide General Motors with the $5-10 billion it is expected to need to continue operations as it pursues a merger with Tonka Toys.

Good night, and good luck.